The First Time I
by readbetweenthesigns
Summary: Quinn ponders her life... One shot, complete. T to be on the safe side.


**Disclaimer: Ownership is neither claimed nor implied, the author does not make any profit from this work of fiction.**

**A/N: The first time I...**

The first time I wanted Puck to take me home was during the summer of freshman year. It was just before the start of sophomore year and we were at the same party. Things were getting rowdy, Finn was being an idiot, showing off with some of the seniors, trying to prove that he was the right choice for quarterback. I don't know why, but Puck, he wasn't being his usual self. He wasn't drinking, I mean, he had a beer, but he'd nursed the same bottle all night and I know it was the same bottle because of the way I'd torn the label before I'd handed it to him. But he looked kind of sad, you know? Like he didn't look like himself, he didn't look like the life and soul of the party and that was totally out of character for Puck. But I wanted him to take me home. I had a headache, probably from not eating, I mean, Coach Sylvester had been riding me all summer to lose ten pounds and I just didn't feel in the mood to party. So I asked him if he'd drive me home. Of course he said yes, straight away. Finn didn't even know we'd left.

* * *

><p>The first time I wanted to have sex with someone, it was with Puck. I know it should have been Finn, he was my boyfriend after all, but Puck did something to my insides that no one else had ever done, he made my knees turn to water and I don't know, it was something in the way he looked at me, he made me feel...wanted, I guess. When it happened, I didn't mean for it to happen, I just wanted him to make me feel good for a while, I thought I'd be able to call a halt, you know? Before anything major happened, but I was so caught up in the moment, so caught up in the feelings, things I'd never, ever felt before, and I just didn't want it to end. Ever<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I lied to my parents, it was about Puck. See, my mom knew that someone had been in my room with me, I don't know how, she just knew, so I lied, I told her that Finn had brought me home from school and that we'd been in my room doing homework and stuff. I don't think my mom quite believed me, she looked at me funny and asked me a few times if I was ok, if I wanted to talk to her about anything. Like I'd ever have talked to her about that. Oh, yes, mom, of course I want to tell you that I'm no longer eligible to attend the chastity ball with dad, of course I want to tell you that I had sex, on my bed, the bed that has a picture of Jesus above it, and it wasn't even with my boyfriend, it was with the type of guy you've always warned me to stay away from. And I don't care because it was amazing, my body felt like it was on fire and I know that it won't be the last time that it happens. Sure, I was really going to tell my mom that!<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I threw up in the morning, I knew exactly why it was. I didn't know what I was going to do about it, but I knew the reason it was happening. Actually, I knew the day I missed my period, I'd never missed one before, regular as clockwork and then nothing. I tried to convince myself that it was because I'd lost the weight that Coach Sylvester told me I had to, but I knew it wasn't. I drove to Spencerville to buy a pregnancy test, I couldn't risk anyone in Lima seeing me, I bought the test, drove to the nearest café, drank a coke zero and then went to pee. The test only took a minute or so, and there it was, the little plus sign that changed my life. Changed Puck's life too, if I'm being honest. Actually, I think that little plus sign changed everyone's life, my mom's, my dad's, Finn's, everyone's. But mine and Puck's more. I still don't think he's ever forgiven me for giving her up. I know I haven't forgiven myself.<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I felt my baby move, it was the most amazing experience of my entire life. Till that point, anyway. At first I wasn't sure what it was, but then, I suddenly realised what the popping, fluttering effect was. And I couldn't share it with Puck because I didn't know where he was, for all I knew he was with Finn and Finn thought that he was the father and he wasn't, Puck knew, Puck knew that <em>he<em> was really the father. I tried to let Puck know, I managed to get excused from Spanish class, Mr Schue, he knew what was happening with me, he assumed I was going to the bathroom, but really, I was looking for Puck in all of his hangouts, the places he usually went to, to make out with girls, or to escape from class, or where he went to just chill out and sleep. And I found him. With Santana. And suddenly, I didn't want to share it with him anymore. Not that time anyway.

* * *

><p>The first time I got kicked out of my home was when my mom and dad found out that I was pregnant. I think that secretly, deep down, my mom already knew, I mean, she says that she didn't, but I think that she did. So, Finn came over for dinner, my parents had invited him and, I don't know if he'd been smacked on the head in football practice or something, but for whatever reason, he thought it was a really good idea to sing some crappy song at me to tell my parents about our little - actually, not so little - secret. And my dad went nuts. I say he went nuts, he did what he always did when he got really pissed about something, he went quiet. Ice cold and quiet, which is far more scary than yelling his head off, which he did when I pranged my car on the gate post. It wasn't fun, especially when he set the timer on the microwave, like I could ever have packed up my life in just thirty minutes. I couldn't even think for twenty of them, never mind pack. It's a good job that Finn came with me to pack, because he at least thought to empty my drawers and closet into suitcases and bags. All I could do was sit on my bed and think about the time when Puck had slid over on top of me and made me feel that the world had started to spin backwards, and I'd never have that memory again because I'd never see that room again. I never claimed that my thoughts weren't selfish.<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I slept in Finn's bed was both a nightmare and a culture shock. I mean, I've had a queen size bed to myself since ever I can remember, and sharing a full size with another human being is an experience I'd only want to have with one person, and he isn't Finn Hudson. Actually, he didn't like sharing with me either, apparently I kick. Puck never complained. Well, he did, but I didn't listen so it doesn't count. Finn's mom was so supportive, she was kind and caring, she hugged me a lot and that was weird because my family don't hug, they don't touch at all if they can help it. Like I said, Carole was kind and caring, she was so supportive and she told me something that Finn didn't know. She told me that she and Finn's dad weren't actually married when they had him, he was about six months old when they finally went through with it, when his dad was finally straight enough to remember to turn up, but she always fudged the year that they married so that Finn thought it was before he was born. Like she never told him that his dad was dishonorably discharged from the army, Carole lied to Finn about that too, she told him his dad died in Iraq, he didn't, he OD'd in a scum pit in Cincinnati. Rachel found that out for him. Actually, Rachel was always quite the bloodhound, she probably should have gone into law enforcement or the CIA or something, she'd have been good at that. Keep a secret, Rachel will find it out. And tell.<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I trusted Rachel Berry, she stabbed me in the back. She lied to me about some sort of Jewish baby test stuff because she wanted to see if I ran to Puck to ask him to help me, which, obviously, I did, and she ran to Finn to tell him the truth. And that was the first time I ever saw Finn lose his temper. Actually, he went berserk, he attacked Puck, he swore and shouted at me, called me some vile and vicious names. Not like I didn't deserve them, I did, but it was awful that he did that in front of the rest of the glee club. The way Puck hugged me close after Finn stormed out of the choir room though, I needed that, I needed him to hold me, tell me that everything would be ok but when he did, I turned him away. God he must have been so confused, every time I let him get a little bit close, I pushed him even further away. And blamed it all on hormones.<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I met Puck's mom and sister was the most uncomfortable meeting ever. Ruth Puckerman was not the most welcoming of people, she did not appreciate the fact that her son had knocked up some Christian girl, but, give her her due, she opened her home, if not her heart, to me. Hannah, Puck's sister, she was quite different, I hadn't ever realised that she was so much younger than Puck, ten years younger. She was cute and bright, and Puck melted every time she smiled at him and called him Noah. Ruth made Puck give up his room to me, she told him that she would send him to live with his dad if she found him in the room with me, Puck just smirked and winked at me when she looked away. I couldn't really admit that I didn't want Puck to stay away from me, the only time I felt safe was when he held me in his arms, but every time he did, it hurt Santana and I was supposed to be her friend and I was so confused, so emotional. Anyway, people at school soon found out that I was living with Puck instead of Finn, they soon realised that I wasn't dating Finn any longer. Puck wanted to show everyone at school that he was the daddy and that he wasn't ashamed, that neither of us was ashamed, so we walked the halls together, hand in hand, he made a show of being really supportive at lunch times, bringing my lunch to me, and he tried really hard to be great boyfriend material. Except he couldn't stop himself from turning on the charm every time a pretty girl walked past him, it was like an unconscious reaction or something. So eventually we went our separate ways.<p>

* * *

><p>First time I held my baby, she was less than a minute old, she was perfect, she looked so puzzled, like, she'd been in the dark for nine months and now, here she was, in this room that was blazing with light and a hundred faces looking at her, but I swear, she knew my voice. And Puck's. When Puck leaned over to say something, she turned her head to him, she knew his voice too. I'm not surprised really, he was always talking to my stomach. Especially when he sneaked into my room when his mom was out, he always did it then. We would lay down together and he would rest his head on my stomach and just talk, or sing. Lots of times he sang stuff and the baby would always jump around in there, like she was dancing. When she heard his voice for the first time outside of my stomach, she jumped and turned towards the sound. Puck's voice made me do that too, not that I ever told him, I didn't, he already knew too much, he already knew he had a hold on me, I couldn't tell him that too.<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I saw Puck after the adoption, neither of us could speak. We looked at each other, we both tried not to cry, I failed, miserably, but we both tried. And Puck, he put his arms around me, he drew me close, it was just like a movie or something, he drew me close and he whispered to me, he told me that everything would be fine, that we'd make it through and he was right, we did. That day, that last day of school, that was one of the hardest days that there was and I know that it sounds stupid, because there were days when I didn't even want to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, but it was all the looks from kids at school, that's what made it hard. The stares and the whispers, because I'd gone from looking like I was trying to hide a beach ball under my dress to just looking a little plumper but with boobs to rival Marilyn Munroe. Puck seriously loved the boobs, not that he got to touch them much, they were too painful. And that part was painful too, the fact that my boobs wanted to feed the world and the one person they were supposed to feed was nowhere near me. I don't know if it hurts less if you keep the baby but decide not to breastfeed, but I sure know that it's pure agony having your boobs full of milk and no little mouth to eat from them.<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I realised that I wouldn't want to kiss anyone but Puck was when Sam tried to kiss me the day after Puck got sent to juvie. We were trying to decide on a duet number, Rachel had convinced me to work with Sam, I don't know why, I don't know if she realised that Puck and I were together or not, probably not, most people didn't realise it, especially not our moms, not back then. Anyway, Rachel convinced me it would work, I thought Sam was gay so I didn't even give it a second thought, I didn't ever suspect that he would try to kiss me. I'm kind of glad that he did though, because it made me realise exactly what and who I wanted. And it was Puck, always Puck. So I went to visit him at Mondale, they only let me in because I told them we had a daughter together and one of the mitigating circumstances Puck had lodged in his defense was about his daughter, so, anyway, I used that to my advantage and got in to see him. We talked, for a long time, an hour at least. We decided that we would keep us a secret because he thought that if anyone knew about us they would keep watching, waiting for us to slip up again and start brewing baby 2.0. Neither of us wanted to be under the microscope, so we kept it hush-hush. And that worked for us. When Puck came back to school, we even pretended that we'd stopped talking and for a long time, that part was cool, it gave us some sort of control, you know? Like, we were playing a game with the rest of the world and we were winning, right? It all started to fall apart again when I decided that I'd have a better chance at prom queen if I was dating Finn. What an idiot. In that one decision, I managed to alienate more than half of glee club and piss off the other half. Fun, huh?<p>

* * *

><p>First time I got rip-roaring, fall-to-the-floor, please-let-me-die drunk, was at a party we had all sort of ganged up on Rachel and convinced her to have, even though she really didn't want to. Puck persuaded her to let him break into the liquor cabinet and we all went stupid, doing shots, drinking anything, we were just ridiculous. And I know I didn't manage to hide my feelings for Puck because Finn told me later. See, Finn, he was the designated driver, so he was the only one who didn't have a drink at all, so he was the one who noticed everything. And he noticed that Puck and I seemed to have something going, despite the fact that Puck was supposedly dating Lauren Zizes, like he ever would have, seriously. He even knew when Puck and I had disappeared for a while, but I was totally horny, the alcohol did something to me and I needed Puck right at that moment, we were back in time to play spin the bottle and I even got to kiss Puck legitimately, he even managed to cop a secret feelski too. And he is absolutely superb at spinning the bottle to land it exactly where he wants it to. Kurt even picked up the bottle to polish it because he thought it might be sticking on the floor with the amount of times that Puck managed to land on me. I wasn't so lucky, I landed on Finn twice, on Rachel once, on Santana a bunch of times and even on Lauren Zizes - that was not an experience I would want to repeat - but I landed on Puck six times in all, so really, we kissed a lot in front of everyone that night and that was like the first time ever, I don't think anyone had ever seen us kiss before. And I think that only Finn suspected anything, I even managed to convince everyone that I could walk home by myself, see, I live really close to Rachel so I didn't need Finn to drive me home, I said I could walk. Puck offered to be a gentleman and make sure I got home safely, that tickled a lot of people, except for Lauren Zizes, it did not amuse her at all, but Puck walked me to my door, saw me safely inside and then snuck around back just in case anyone was watching, and I let him in. That was the first time he stayed over for the whole night. And it was wonderful, so tender, so gentle. We didn't have sex that night, he said I was too drunk and he didn't want to do anything while I wouldn't remember it, but he held me all night long and when I woke up, I was still in his arms, he was spooned up to the back of me, he had one arm under me and one arm over me and I felt so warm, so safe and loved, I felt loved. My mom was pissed at first, especially when she found us - we were still both asleep - but she accepted Puck's word that we hadn't done anything, he assured her that we were safe, that we hadn't taken any chances and he got her approval for us to date. But we still never told anyone, we kind of liked to have a secret.<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I went to New York, it was like a revelation. Everything was so much bigger, brighter, louder, than Lima and it was petrifying and exhilarating and the most important thing, New York was home to one Beth Corcoran, so the for the first time since I had given her up for adoption, we were in the same city. That in itself was terrifying, I mean, how could I be in the same city as my daughter and not try to see her? Puck thought I was being stupid, he didn't think it was a good idea at all. And seriously, trying to dodge Lauren Zizes to shoot off by ourselves to see Beth? It was like trying to dodge rubber bullets. So, anyway, Shelby allowed us to spend the afternoon before the competition with Beth and it was amazing, magical and I will treasure that feeling for the rest of my life. I think that was the start of my slide into...depression I think you'd call it, I suppose you'd call it. I can't believe I just stood in the bathroom and hacked off my hair. I was so pissed, I wanted to tell Santana about me and Puck but I couldn't, we'd both sworn it was a secret and I couldn't break that promise, not without causing Puck some problems. See, my dad always vowed that he would kill Puck if he ever came near me again and I wouldn't trust my dad not to go through with it, so that's why we kept it, kept us, a secret. Puck sometimes slipped up though, especially when he was singing, he always sang to me and seriously, whenever he sings, it makes my insides fizz. <em>He<em> makes my insides fizz. I sometimes wonder if the whole of the glee club really knew about us but kept our secret anyway. They're good friends, all of them. Even Santana.

* * *

><p>The first time I refused to accept Puck's lies, I went off the rails. I mean, he always lies, he always lies about lying but that time was just the worst. Like, when we came back from New York, we'd decided that we were going to come clean, Puck ended his fake relationship with Lauren and we were going to tell everyone and then I found out that he was still seeing three of his pool clients on the side. I don't remember who told me about that, maybe it was Santana, or someone, maybe, I don't know. Anyway, when I challenged him about it he said that he liked them, liked the cougar sex, said it enhanced <em>our<em> sex life. I told him to shove it, I didn't want share, I mean, if we are in a relationship, it's an exclusive relationship, right? I mean, that's not too much to ask, right? But Puck didn't want that, he wanted to have the freedom to dabble, as he put it, if the mood struck him. That idea didn't wash with me so Puck said he wouldn't, said he'd give the faithful boyfriend gig a try and I thought we were good, right? So when he kept breaking dates, when I couldn't even get him on his phone I knew something was up. Finn tried covering for him but he's really useless at lying, he even got his little sister to lie for him and that's lower than low. God, I was pathetic, I became my mom when she kicked my dad out on his ass for cheating on her, I dyed my hair, I pierced my nose, I got a tattoo and I kicked Puck to the kerb _and_ I got a new boyfriend. Puck seriously did not like that. Neither did I to be perfectly honest.

* * *

><p>The first time I wanted to kill someone was when Shelby Corcoran came back to Lima and brought Beth with her. She used some very cruel tactics to set me and Puck against each other but what she didn't know was that she healed the rift between us, at least she did until she slept with Puck, that almost ended everything for us. I almost didn't forgive him for that. But then I remembered that he's forgiven me a lot of stuff over the years, stuff that most people have no idea about, but he's forgiven me, time after time. So I let it go, I even let Rachel think she'd convinced me to let it go, she needed something to cheer her up after missing sectionals like that. But I did let him know that I'd forgiven him. Eventually.<p>

* * *

><p>The first time I sent a text while I was driving...well, this happened. I mean, how sucky can life get? Me and Puck are finally on the same page, we both want the same thing, and now this, it's just not fair. I mean, look at him, he looks devastated, he hasn't been home for days, I think it would be helpful if I could just wake up and tell him I'm ok, I mean, I am ok, aren't I? Aren't I?<p>

* * *

><p>Puck jumped, started when he heard the change in Quinn's breathing, he heard her try to move. "Hey," he murmured and stood to press a relieved kiss to her head. "Nice to see you back with us," he teased as the door opened and a multitude of doctors and nurses came rushing in. Puck was maneuvered out of the room so that they could work. "Thank you," he breathed in silent prayer to whoever had listened to him, to whoever had decided that Quinn should be spared. Puck took his phone from his pocket and sent a text to everyone who mattered. *<em>Quinn woke up<em>*

"She's asking for you," a nurse told Puck.

"Hi," Puck whispered as he took the seat beside Quinn's bed once more. "How are you feeling?" he asked as he smoothed her hair from her forehead, he winced at the angry, red scar there.

"About as crappy as you'd expect," Quinn replied, her voice was so incredibly husky from the tube that had been down her throat, helping her to breathe properly. "I had the weirdest dream, I was in front of like a parole board, explaining my life," she said, then tried to clear her throat.

"Don't talk," Puck urged and leaned over to kiss her again. "Ah, crap," he sighed as the door opened to admit Russell and Judy Fabray. "Hi," he said and stood to greet them, Judy kissed his cheek, Russell merely nodded.

"Hello, Noah," Judy said although her eyes, her damp, red-rimmed eyes, were on her daughter. "Oh, sweetie, how are you feeling?" she asked and drew Quinn into a gentle hug.

"Fine," Quinn replied, "I'm fine, mom," she insisted. "And I know you've been here almost the whole time, I could hear you talking to me," she said and frowned at her mom. "You should have gone home to rest, you should have too," she added as she turned to face Puck.

"Tough," Puck mocked and rolled his tired eyes. "I'll go home later," he assured her when he saw the worry in her eyes. "Carole says thank you, by the way," he informed Quinn with a slight smirk. "Bit extreme, but effective just the same."

"What do you mean?" Quinn asked, ever so slightly puzzled.

"You stopped the wedding," Puck answered. "Finn and Rachel, they came rushing here to see you, they abandoned the wedding, they all came, even Sue Sylvester had tears in her eyes," he announced.

"Damn stupid, teenagers getting married," Russell muttered from the end of Quinn's bed. He looked and sounded uncomfortable, he kept glancing towards Puck with animosity in his eyes. Russell hated the fact that this guy was here in his daughter's room and it was just totally accepted, he was welcomed even.

Quinn sighed and rolled her eyes, blah, blah, blah, she'd heard it all before from her dad. She glanced up at Puck before speaking, gave him a sly little wink. "Good job you refused to come to our wedding then, isn't it?"


End file.
